do you really just want attention?

This past Friday night my oldest daughter won homecoming queen. She looked so beautiful and she was also very shocked that she had even won. She told me over and over not to get my hopes up because she wasn't going to win but let's be honest as a parent you hope deep down your kid wins.  After the football game we were bombarded with excitement through phone calls, text sweet words and hugs.  Several people said "weren't you the homecoming queen?"  I laughed and said no but that I had won Miss Huss back in the day.  Miss Huss was the school beauty pageant. I thought about the two and It hit me that she had won through the approval of her peers without performance and I had to compete to win.  What a sobering thought because I truly feel like I have performed my whole life just to win smiles, friendships and relationships so I could feel a sense of wholeness. I could barely keep up and that's why I believe food became my go to. It didn't talk back to me, hurt me from the surface, it gave me a immediate happiness and helped me to not work so hard to prove myself.  I was reminded this week about performances and how they mean absolutely nothing to my Creator. 

Psalm 51:16/17 (the msg) 

Going through the motions doesn't please You, a flawless performance is nothing to You.  I learned God worship when my pride was shattered. Heart shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape Gods notice. 

As I read this passage three things began to surface in me. The first is that a performance based relationship will keep you in a state of always seeking perfection and completion other than Gods presence alone. The second thing is that being desperate for God no matter what season you are in will always lead you into deeper "God worship" moments. The last thing is that living brokenness "heart shattered" lives is what moves the heart and hands of God. In fact it's what leads us to seeing His faithfulness over and over again.  If you aren't desperate for the voice of God start there. The word desperate is defined by Webster as this; done with all your strength or energy and with little hope of succeeding.  My whole life I have been desperate to succeed but only in the eyes of others never fully seeing Gods overwhelming grace and affection for me.  This year is closing out and my word is peace and I have never felt such peace in my whole life. The applause of people are silencing and the heartbeat of Jesus is growing louder. I am choosing to follow the footsteps of my King and not the footsteps of my dreams.  I am choosing to dwell in the beauty of Gods presence and saturate myself with His word. To saturate means you fill something completely with something else. God fill my heart with ALL of You!  Ladies in His presence the fear of brokenness fades and the courage of waiting, being still or stepping out is what will sustain you. Happiness is an emotion that is evoked by false pretense and its held in the palm of circumstances, love, friendships and often our dreams and material things.  Joy however is rooted in our intimacy with God.  To be blessed simply means; connected with God. We tend to let our happiness stem from blessings that have nothing to do with being connected with God.  I have found out that the level of approval you think you need is never enough but the wisdom that comes from letting God fill your tank not only brings you a joy that you can't contain but a life filled in fullness. We have to be in Gods word there is no other way to learn, gain guidance and fully connect to His heart.  Writing Gods word on our hearts sets up and positions our lives for deeper intimacy, a deeper passion and a growth that leads to world change. 

Jeremiah 31:33 

For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts. And I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

It's time you stand before God with all your brokenness pain and all and know that when you have positioned your  "heart shattered" life before the God of the universe He will see you and He will restore you.  Let the cry of your heart be this today..

God I want you and nothing more!