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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

one day at a time... breathe in breathe out

I went to the doctor on Monday with such high expectations of moving from a cast to two pair of shoes.  I am not sure why I convinced myself of this because out of the 41/2 weeks of being in a cast I was barely able to put any pressure on my foot.  So when she said I was going to move into a boot I was disappointed yet ecstatic to finally be out of that cast.  I walked out of the doctor’s office with one crutch and a half smile on my face.  I got in the car with this HUGE black thing on my leg and as I walked into the house looking like captain Barbosa from pirates of Caribbean I was relieved because with the boot I could remove it for showering and to shave my WOLFMAN leg!!  Later that night I loaded the sink up with dishes and by the time darkness fell outside I was in such severe pain that I cried like a baby for 2 straight hours.  I was so frustrated because I couldn’t find any medicine in my house to help with my pain.  I found stomach medicine, allergy medicine; pink eye drops but not PAIN MEDICATION!  Finally my friend brought me something and I finally felt a little relief before I fell asleep.  This week is a new week of being at home with new struggles and new thoughts about why in the world I have to go back through such intense pain.  The doctor said it was normal because of the way I injured my foot/ankle.  I literally have to teach all the muscle and ligaments how to function again and it is so painful that it brings tears to my eyes.  This journey has been 5 weeks already and I have 3 more weeks of not driving.  As I sat today in my same chair and looked at the gorgeous blue sky outside I could feel God saying “Holly I want you to take ONE day at a time”.  I realized that I had my eyes and heart set on the day I was getting my cast off and when it didn’t happen the way I thought it would frustration set in all over again.  God’s perfect positioning of my life is what makes a beautiful story.  It’s doing things my way that turns it into a nightmare haha.  I have had severe pain already for two days straight and I feel like I am starting this process all over again.  God pushed me to rest in His presence in the first part and now I am learning to take every day, every moment and every second with a deep breath.  Bad news isn’t meant to knock the breath out of us; I believe it is a moment we get to breathe in the very breath of our Creator as we face the circumstance or pain that is before us.  This past Sunday before our Easter service began Sally my husband’s assistant was praying and she said something that I can’t get over.  She said on the cross Jesus didn’t fight back. WOW.. Everything in us is always ready to jump back. When we are riding down the road and someone shows road rage most people are ready to flip them off and chase them down ha, or if someone hurts you we want them to feel our pain. But even on the cross without a spot of sin in his life Jesus didn’t fight back.  I am learning to take one day at a time and truly embrace that the circumstances surrounding me is a chance for me to choose surrender rather than giving into the negativity that I certainly could bring out.  Why fight back really when I know that God’s plans are perfect.   Right now it’s 4:02 and in this moment I am listening to incredible worship music as my dog sits at the end of my blanket and as I breathe out frustration, disappointment and fear I lean into the heart of my Creator and breathe in His strength, His power and know that tomorrow is already been taken care of. J

Psalm 139:23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Philippians 4:6-7 The MSG   Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

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