I wont be jumping out of an airplane anytime soon.....

As I move closer to my 40^th birthday I have become so spontaneous over the past few years. I love trying new things.  I randomly flew to Austin Texas last year with Richard for our anniversary and a few months ago I tried Elk steak and it was delicious.  I don’t plan on jumping out of an airplane anytime soon but to say that I have a new sense of adventure would be accurate. I have a few things on my bucket including riding an Elephant in Thailand to flying all over the world.  I like the rush that comes with the anticipation before trying whatever it is new.  At Islands of Adventure in Orlando Florida there is a roller coaster called The Hulk and it’s incredibly fast and full of twist and flips.  The excitement starts before it actually takes off with you sitting in a tunnel with your feet dangling and green lights flashing to create the illusion that you are in fact turning into the hulk. It builds this momentum without even moving and then it literally shoots you out of the tunnel into your first flip. It is RIVETING!

After thinking about the emotions that surround those moments I was challenged to think about the anticipation and excitement that surrounds my faith.  It is easy to say I have faith but often the comfort of my life or the desire of comfort chokes the very passion of living it out with a gut wrenching trust and all out abandon.  I am talking about moments where we have everything to lose and yet also everything to gain simply because we were forced to trust God.   When God doesn’t seem to come through in a way that we thought we take matters into our own hands by manipulating situations by trying to outsmart the Creator of the universe and yet the only thing revealed is our lack of faith. I believe that faith is the very thing that moves us into a place of full dependency on God because we have to trust Him without knowing what’s around the corner or how things will unfold and choosing to trust anyway.  My words of how BIG I believe my God is can be directly reflected in the intensity of how I live my life.  For years I begged God to do something in my life with speaking and yet my heart wasn’t ready because I honestly didn’t trust Him and even more embarrassing I didn’t believe His word.  I loved God and I desired to follow Him but after looking through stacks of old journals I was dumbfounded at how I viewed Him.  Every day I would say things like “give wings to my dreams” and while that sounds pretty and packaged well inside my prayers I didn’t believe God could use me because I didn’t even like myself. I hated my body, I hated who I was.  My insecurities became my focus and soon pride was the worship of my heart with the concept of dreaming big being masked as was a way for me to help others somehow escape the pain I was feeling.  Through surrender I realized that my self hatred was pride because it was all about me.   Scared or hiding from your past mistakes is also a form of pride because God makes all things NEW and uses what the enemy means for bad He transforms for good.  Dreaming big doesn’t mean I manipulate or orchestrate my gifting in a way that brings me glory all in the name of Jesus because I am trying to escape struggles. Instead it’s a process of daily surrender as those who surround you watch you look beyond the captivity to the cross of redemption.  It’s allowing God to shake the very foundation that we build to move us into a place of deeper intimacy simply because we chose to trust Him.  If you had to measure the depth of your faith right now what would it be? What BIG and BOLD things is He calling you to do?  There are people in my life that I look to in complete awe at times wondering why in the world things happen the way they do and then I see something that is so evident and that’s the depth of their faith.  Are you struggling with your finances, your marriage, your dreams or even your daily routine?  Maybe it’s time you position those things for mind blowing faith moments. Revelation 3:8 should encourage you to deepen your faith because literally NO one can shut the door but God himself (or your disobedience).  God says this “ I know your works. See I have set before you and open door and NO ONE CAN SHUT IT; for you have a little strength, have kept My word and have not denied My name. “   Take risk today by stepping out of a comfort craved world and take a chance on the God of the universe opening doors that will not only deepen your intimacy with Him but give a world that is in desperate need of hope a glimpse of who God is simply because you chose to exercise your faith because honestly without it it’s impossible to please Him.  Hebrews 11: 6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him….


Go ahead and DREAM BIG!!

Zit cream and regret

I was once asked this question “what do you regret most in life?” I answered quickly and said “ my relationship with my father”.  As I think about that question a little deeper I realize that it was so much more than just my relationship with my father I regretted.  As a kid I couldn’t truly verbalize just how angry I was at him and so that led to years of pain frustration and vulnerabilities that led me into sin.  I would dress and do whatever I could to gain the looks of boys, I would hide food and binge simply because I felt pain and I would do and say what I needed in order to gain friendships.  You see the anger I had for my father gave root to lots of different sins in my life which led to many regrets along the way.  

James 1: 22-25 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

As women we are control freaks. We want our marriages to be happily ever after, our friendships to always be in BFF mode. We want our houses to be spotless with beautiful decorations hanging without a bit of dust on them and perfectly behaved kids sitting by the fire-place reading their lengthy chapter books with smiles on their faces.  For some of you this may be your lives and I say to you WOW!! But for most women we struggle to keep the dish piles out of the sink, clean underwear on our kids and dust off the ceiling fans ha (well I just keep my going and I know no one will notice).  What I realized is that all throughout my life I have done things in order to gain some type of control just to keep the anger and hurt from surfacing. Food was a way out for me. Boys were a way out for me and so on. When I read verse 25 I see one word and that word is FREEDOM.  I desperately want to walk in freedom from guilt of measuring up as a perfect wife, mother and friend. I will always fail and yet God’s perfect grace is what causes me to walk in any type of confidence what so ever.  The first part of that verse says but whoever looks INTENTLY into the perfect law. When we look into the mirror and a zit, or a cold sore or a nappy hair day awaits us our whole perspective of how we view ourselves changes and we usually make some type of change whether its zit cream, toothpaste for a cold sore or our hair goes into a pony tail or we wash it and start all over. The same is when we look INTENTLY into God’s word it always reflects the parts of our hearts that keeping us from gaining freedom. When a wife who constantly is nagging at her husband because of their fear and lack of control looks INTENTLY into God’s word about respect and honoring her husband this pushes her to implement change.   You see God’s word isn’t meant to bring guilt shame or regret in our lives it is meant to bring redemption and forgiveness to us so we can walk in His perfect love and FREEDOM. So what do I regret most… I don’t think I can honestly say just my relationship with my father any longer.  He passed away 17 years ago and before he was killed I was able to share my heart with him and to tell him I forgave him and when He died he knew I loved him.  You see God’s word tells me I don’t have to walk in regret because he keeps NO records of my sins. Today as satan reminds you of ALL the wrong things you have said or done in your past remember you are a NEW creation and the Creator of the universe loves you with an intense love.  

I'm not a risk taker by nature -

When I was a kid I wanted to be able to do all that the boys did in my neighborhood. I wanted bikes like them so I could jump ramps like them. I wanted to climb trees like them and set things on fire like them. I ran with the guys and held my on mainly because I was madly in love with all of them so if it meant eating ants I would do it to gain their affections.  One particular time my next door neighbor and I and my little sister decided we were going to try to out smart them by doing our own experiment. It ended with us throwing coke on a fire that could have quickly burned the entire woods down. Luckily we only left a small area scorched.  

My whole life fear has been something that has kept me from ever fully seeing my God size potential and because of that fear I have missed out on countless opportunities. I only saw the possible outcomes instead of God alone. I am not a risk taker really but over the years I have learned that taking risk isn't choosing to be brave it's surrendering to a God who equips and births a passion in you to GO, SAY and DO whatever it is He calls you to without hesitation. I am a dream chaser because I have seen the dream giver blow my mind. There are days where I don't want to speak to the lady in line because she looks stressed out with kids all over the place and frankly I am in a hurry but what I am learning is that the risk isn't in me taking a chance on a conversation that may lead her into a season of rest it is however me choosing to surrender all of ME including my disobedience which will open the flood gates of opportunities for her to simply see God in me. 

The other night I stood in awe & wonder at how incredibly big my God is. I got to attend a Bethel worship experience and as I watched all over the room some held one hand high singing with all they had and yet in the other hand they held their phone recording the moment. I know they were wanting to capture the moment and I'm not saying it was wrong but God spoke so clearly to me.  He said this is not how I want others to perceive Me one hand stretched out towards the heavens and the other clenched to only an idea of who I am but never fully experiencing Me.  My selfish desires cannot co exist in a place and posture of surrender. My hand held stretched to the sky cannot also reach for comfort.  When I was that little girl growing up in a predominantly boy neighborhood taking risk meant getting to be noticed and yet today my risk and my surrender can only be for my God to be noticed. It's not about me and it never can be no matter how bad I may want it to be.  When the source of all I do is about God then my dreams reflect that my marriage reflects that, the way I serve reflects that and on and on.  Our purpose is to bring glory to our Creator and my dreams become an avenue for others seeing Him in BIG ways. I do dream BIG and I'm not afraid to do things or say things (I wouldn't jump ramps or eat ants anymore) because I know that God opens doors for us but we have to choose to turn the handle and walk through that door.  Today let this resonate in you by asking yourself, what is it in me that looks nothing like you God and with my hands empty or my hands full, either sinking in circumstances or overcoming struggles are you my source of hope and if not will You reignite a love and passion for YOU ALONE! 

Galatians 5:24

 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 

butter popcorn & I have a love hate relationship

I love going to the movies and I love the butter popcorn at the movies even more. It always makes me sick and yet I always get it. I have been eating mostly clean now for about a year and I am so thankful I made the switch.  Sometimes it's hard to say no and sometimes it's really easy to turn down foods that have literally no reason to be in anybody's body. Movie popcorn is one I have a really hard time turning down. The butter dripping from your finger tips to the saltiness of each bite I mean oh my goodness. You can't just pop one kernel its a cramming your whole mouth full type of thing. As soon as I leave and the rumbling in my stomach starts I promise to never eat it again and also regret ever spending my life savings on movie theatre refreshments & this past Monday was no different.  I went to see Taken 3 and because of the high impact of suspense I just needed something to calm my nerves (yea right). I smelled the popcorn as soon as I walked in seducing me with the smell of fresh butter and I couldn't walk by I just had to have it. I enjoyed every bite and when I got home I once again repented and said I would never eat it again.  This morning I thought about the viscous cycle of bad habits and also sin in our lives. The moments where you know what you are doing is wrong but the pull to keep doing it trumps the choice to say no. Paul was on to something when he said in Romans 7

"15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

What a paragraph of conflict. We read this and we can relate on so many levels. We don't wake up and choose to be enslaved to a certain sin or a habit. It's daily choices and our thought life that leads us into bondage. We become so entangled that breaking free seems harder than just existing within our bad choices. I have met girls who have given themselves away so many times and yet they don't want to continue living in promiscuity but the desire to be wanted trumps the desire to embrace their true worth. Ladies who shop excessively to keep up with others often hate being in bondage to the approval of others but that feeling of not measuring up trumps the choice to just be themselves without any regrets. I get it and Paul knew we would need to see this passage and more than that God created us with a desire to be filled. He wants us to desire Him and for His love to permeate and penetrate the darkest places in our hearts and yet also fill the gap when what Lysa TerKeurst calls the "disease to please" hits.  We are loved beyond what we can wrap our minds around and that is why we also struggle with wrapping our hearts fully around the love and grace from our Creator. We are tangible beings at times and that outfit, piece of food or a relationship gives a temporary a fix to a much deeper problem. That deficient grows and sin sets in because suddenly God isn't enough and we desire more.  And just like the butter popcorn on my stomach we become sick and walk in defeat. Today you need to hear that Gods love and grace reaches over and over into the dark places and suddenly we are free and we begin to shine for Him. Envision yourself standing before Him this morning with His hands holding your sweet face. He forgives you. He wants you to experience freedom from your sin. He has a plan for your life and He loves you more than you could ever imagine. Ladies there will never be anything outside of His presence that will satisfy you. I may once again find myself elbow deep in butter popcorn and yet I pray for the will power to say no haha but in this moment it was the butter popcorn that reminds me that Gods grace never runs out & that surrendering is not a sign of weakness. Let His redeeming love shine on the dark places because you have a lot of SHINE left! Be encouraged! 

I bombed Algebra...

I am very much a visual learner. I believe that is why I made an A in geometry and bombed algebra. I could see shapes and figure out how to make things work and algebra was too many words on a page with formulas that made absolutely no since. This past Sunday my husband stood in the pool at the YMCA where our baptisms take place and he baptized his brother who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I sobbed like a baby through the entire thing.  Michael surrendered his life to Jesus last week and wanted to immediately follow in baptism. As I stood there watching I closed my eyes and asked God to roll back the heavens so their mom could watch.  I could see the heavens roll back and angels singing and Janice smiling with such joy. I imagined what she must have felt because in heaven there is no pain so she couldn't see her son diagnosed with cancer she saw her sons praising the God she gets to worship daily in Heaven.  As I watched Michael come up out of the water I was reminded of what bold obedience and surrender looks like.  The moment we talk ourselves out of obeying we have surrendered to fear instead of deepening our faith.  All throughout scripture when Jesus called someone to follow Him it was always an immediate response.  I can look back to times in my life where I chose not to obey immediately and then I would question the very sovereignty of God's plan.  Every season filled with heartache, or numbness didn't come out of seasons of surrender but of my sin. Maybe it was pride that led me into thinking my dream was about me and so when things weren't happening I blamed God or pointed people to my insecurities. I made it about me.  Maybe it was my unbelief. I chose to deliberately not believe the things my Creator said about me in scripture and again it was about me. Obedience is hard and gut wrenching bravery that takes every ounce of energy you possess but the results of that pure surrender is what deepens your intimacy with your Creator and takes your faith to a whole new level.  This past week I was reading in In 1 Thessalonians chapter 5 and I stopped at verses 23/24..


"23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it."


The word sanctify is defined as; making pure, set apart to a sacred purpose, to free from sin, to make productive of holiness. As God begins to purify our hearts and our minds the process isn't something that is easy. We experience droughts in seasons and we become numb and often disobedient.  God calls us into living a life of fullness that is wrapped in His goodness and grace yet we stiff arm the very process of cleansing. My disobedience is sin and this verse reminds me that He is freeing me from sin THROUGH AND THROUGH. Which tells me that its ongoing process of making me more like Him and less and less of looking like the world. I want more of Jesus but with that comes the process of sanctification. The burning away of sin that hides in my thought life, to the disobedience that often follows my insecurities and fears of moving forward.  My mother in law is in Heaven and here on earth she had bad lungs, a bad heart, two fingers missing and a spirit that was broken through years of circumstances that piled up and yet she now stands before a perfect God worshiping Him whole heartedly without a flaw.  We strive for this perfection here on earth and yet we always end up either wanting more or feeling as if we will never measure up. In the last part of that verse it says "The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it". I will not always obey but I serve a God who is ALWAYS faithful. He will do whatever it takes to bring me back into an intimate fellowship with Him. I am thankful for His constant pursuit of my heart because it is the very thing that sustains me and allows me to feel true peace in my life. Even when circumstances are so out of control from my disobedience or someone else His faithfulness is what moves us into a deeper understanding of His sovereignty.  Psalm 107 verse 35 "He turns a wilderness into a pool of water and a dry ground into water springs;" Let this sink in to your heart today because there is NO season of disobedience that can't be redeemed and transformed for God's glory.  In His presence is where FREEDOM happens and healing begins! Be encouraged....

playground of rejection...

In the middle of the word rejection stands a word that can separate friendships, stir emotions of never measuring up and will also set isolation in motion.  When I was in elementary school everyday after lunch our class along with 2 or 3 more would come out of the lunchroom in a straight line put our lunch boxes against the brick wall hear the instructions and then boom we would run to the equipment we wanted to claim.  I remember one day in particular.  I ran to the spaceship looking monkey bars and before I could even climb into it a few girls said to me " you can't play on our playground".  I responded "this isn't your playground its the schools and with a whole lot of sass they said words that cut deeply. "Yes it is our playground our parents paid for it and your parents are even on the PTO".  I didn't know what PTO was but I knew that my parents were not together and it was if they knew it and were pointing at me and laughing.  I felt so rejected and because of that I no longer looked at the playground the same and I found myself walking the track with the grade above mine swooning over the boys.  I am not saying that it was their words alone that made want to chase the boys but what if I would have played that day. Would I have snuck off into the woods to kiss the boys? I honestly don't know.  In the middle of the word rejection stands the word EJECT. Webster defines it as; to throw out especially by physical force, authority or influence.  For me I allowed their words to force me out and gain authority in my life.  Here it is over 30 years later and that day seems as if it was yesterday.  Rejection is something that starts within our minds and brings such toxic thoughts and we remove ourselves from our dreams, our marriages, our friendships and what is rightfully ours for the taking.  That playground was just as much mine as theirs but I didn't believe it therefore I allowed that to keep me from experiencing all the fun it offered.  Our marriages are meant to soar and mirror the very heart of God and because the way we view our spouses at times we allow rejection to set in and so we pull out grace, love, patience and our marriages suffer.   I hear teen girls constantly saying that so and so doesn't like them or they wont talk to them.  I know that feeling they are describing and in their minds and hearts they have removed themselves from even wanting to feel anything so they peg those girls as enemies and begin to put walls up.  Its easier to put up walls then to tear them down because it hurts to release emotions that we have allowed to harden around our hearts.  What about your dreams. The hidden fear of not being good enough is rooted in your fear of rejection and because of that you don't try. The enemy wants you to stay still, be without hope, be without passion, be without love, be without Jesus being enough and you need to see clearly all the areas that rejection dictates your next steps because victory will never seem to be in reach.  Rejection is a form of manipulation and we either surrender to the lie or we grasp on to truth.  Those girls did reject me but it was how I responded to their rejection that removed me from experiencing all the other fun.  I could have easily punched them (I kinda wish I would have haha) or I could have ignored them and went to play on the slide, or swings or the other stuff. I could have told on them but instead I removed myself from the entire playground. Don't let words that taunt or feed thoughts of rejection become the truth you set your dreams and your heart to.  John 8:31/32 says this; Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE."  You see its what you do with God's truth that determines where your thoughts end up. Rejection is real and the enemy will use it to derail every area of our lives if we let him.  However the beauty of God's truth is that it is the very thing that makes us free.  To know who we are in Him without any outside influence or distraction.   To abide means; to accept or bear, to stay or live somewhere to remain or continue.  We have to stay hidden in God's word continually allowing it to penetrate our hearts so that we are able to see the enemies lies as well as embrace the Creators truths.  If you go fishing in your thought life you will see that rejection is rooted in so many of your fears.  God wants you to know and embrace that in Him is where FREEDOM exist. Get off the playground of rejection, pull back and see the bigger picture because there is so much more.  Let these truths be what you cling to today. God will never ever reject me. God loves me no matter what. God's grace will never run dry. In Him is my acceptance and my ultimate completion and that is enough.

What if God is silent....

There comes a time in someone's life where they begin to look at their circumstances through a different lens. They begin to see their husband, kids, dreams, goals etc through the eyes of either "only if" or "if I could just do over" or "why God" and often those very statements can take us to a place of giving up.  I believe that God needs you to hear Him say DONT stop. Gods sovereignty should be the driving force behind any decision and our love for Him should be the driving force in our daily surrender. He is in complete control and there are times where you have done ALL the right "churchy" things and yet you feel absolutely nothing and abandoned. God wants you to know that He is still God. There are days you have positioned your heart to be moved and to be broken and yet nothing but pieces surrounding your life exist. God wants you to know that He is still God. There are days you can barely breathe and your circumstances have literally choked any ounce of passion and joy and there is no sight of what your next step is. God wants you to know that He is still God.  Our hearts can take brutal beatings from broken relationships to perceived failures to broken dreams and yet Gods sovereignty reaches down lifts our faces up, strengthens our knees, holds our broken pieces and reminds us through His sunrises, encouragement, His word and often times in complete stillness that He is God. Today there are many who need healing, some need a financial miracle and others of you who are soaring and the beauty of it all is that God is God in ALL of it.  You are loved. You are being heard and nothing you do or don't do will effect your love or response from Him. He needs you to lean in rest in His loving arms and NO matter the outcome trust Him fully because on the other side of

what seems like a never ending broken mess beauty awaits. I remember when my family went on a cruise last year and the days we were out at sea I was always so amazed at how nothing surrounded the boat except for a massive amount of water.  We would never stop all day and yet the next morning we would be stopped and out from the deck you could see the most beautiful islands. What if I would have stayed in one spot the entire day just hoping to see land? I would have missed out on all the fun that was happening all over the boat on the way to the islands.  Now I know that the season you are in may not have a lot of fun things happening but I do know that God has blessings waiting for you and He doesn't want you to focus on anything other than Him because in Him you will find exactly what you are in need of. I promise...