About 5 years ago I stepped into a season of transparency. I began to allow people into the dark places that lurked in me as well as the struggles and the pain of my past that haunted me. I knew Jesus was doing something but I didn't understand what it was until now.
When I was a little girl my addiction to boys triggered so many emotions inside me that left me at times feeling rejected and other times fully wanted. I wore clothes to attract and left little to the imagination all because of a hole so deep inside me. After I no longer felt a since of worth my addiction went from boys into wanting approval from friendships and that carried me through high school and into my college years and early adulthood. I was enslaved by the validation and approval from others. I would morph into who others wanted me to be so I could gain acceptance. I would dress however I thought would impress and that left me in a mess and I really had no idea who I was.
After the realization of this constant need for approval surfaced in me I began to really search for who I was and yet that addiction then turned to food. It consumed my every thought and made me so angry at those around me. I never got in a bathing suit and when I would eat out I would only order a salad to look as if I was healthy eating and then I would leave and binge. People may say I share too much information and to those people I don't care because the freedom in sharing my scars has not only healed my heart over the years, but it has also given others the courage to take their mask off and embrace redemption. I once was told by a pastor that "I shouldn't share such personal stuff" but I I pushed through those insecurities and the freedom I felt on the other side was unbelievable.
Look at David's story He was a man after Gods on heart and yet a murderer, adulterer, depressed and full of uncontrollable emotions. His story continues to pave the way for many to walk out of sin, self righteousness and embrace redemption. What a beautiful picture of the cross.
I feel like some of you are on the edge, you want others to know the pain you feel but you worry about how they might perceive you. God wants you to know that the enemy can't taunt you with what He doesn't control. Handing your addiction, sin, fear, past or even your future over to the Creator releases a love like you have never known.
Last night as I was working, one of the girls kept asking me questions regarding my childhood and my life in general. My heart melted because yet again I got to share what the enemy meant to for bad my Creator used as an instrument of change. The problem with our struggles is that we become so consumed with them that we let then take over our hearts. If we allow those struggles, or even good things to become our number one desire to the point of affecting our actions then it has become an idol and it needs to come down before healing and freedom can set in.
Jonah 2:8/9a "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs, 9A BUT I with a song of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you..." As I read this verse I was reminded that when idols are present a sacrifice is made. When we are pursuing the things of God instead of God our intimacy with Him is sacrificed. When we pursue things that have nothing to do with Him we forfeit the grace that covers the very thing we need redeemed from. Your heart gives way to your actions and it tells the story of what's important to you.
What directs your path? Is it a desire for more or is it the need to be wanted? Or something else that has become a wedge between you and the sweet intimacy of Jesus? The beautiful thing about the grace of God is that once you surrender your life to Him you no longer have to be in a constant place of shame. He freely pours out forgiveness to cover you and to set you in the path of righteousness and freedom. The sin of idol worship is something we hide our busy schedules behind along with the desire for more & then the distant between us and our Creator is often blamed on Him rather than our disobedience and sin. Repentance is a churchy word but I believe that God has called us into holiness not perfection yet a daily posture of surrender. God forgive us for worshiping things, dreams, people and so much more instead of seeing the beauty of You. Allow us to see the things that have taken over our hearts so we can sacrifice those things and fully worship You alone! Take your mask off today and just be real.